Death Changes You

When someone very close to you dies, there are changes that occur over which you have absolutely no control. Even though you long for one more conversation, one more touch, one more look into eyes where love was reciprocated, you must, in your own way, come to terms with the finality of death. It changes you in ways you didn't request. You will NEVER be the same.

But there's something about death that makes me WANT to change...to be different..to be better. My Daddy's death has stirred something within me that makes personal improvement my mandate.

I want to learn to develop thsoe qualities of his that are now so intensified in my mind. His simpleness...his great humor...his deep faith...being comfortable and content with who he was...unpretentious...secure...a "selective listener".

In his later years, Daddy occasionally wore a hearing aid and there were times when we would joke about him either NOT hearing or...pretending NOT TO hear! I like to think that he "heard" it all, but he only selectively "listened" to what was truly important.

People could say things about him either behind his back or to his face, but he didn't allow it to bother him. He KNEW who he was and he knew he WASN'T what they said.

His legacy will live on in his children both intentionally and unintentionally. I am choosing to attempt to implement those admirable qualities he had that I currently lack.

But there is much in me that just comes naturally. I AM my father's daughter. Just yesterday, I walked into my office and inadvertently made that "buzzing lips" sound that we all frequently heard from Daddy at random times throughout the day...and my eyes welled up with tears. I didn't plan to do that...it was unintentional but natural.

Every time I utter one of his many cliches, or inadvertently shiver, or buzz my lips, I will think of my Daddy. I was never the same knowing him ~ I will never be the same losing him.